I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
