I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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