I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
