thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
