Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
