Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
