your parents love me but you hate me
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
