I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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