Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
