he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
