He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
