going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
