Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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