So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
