If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
