I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
