Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
