I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
