he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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