I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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