I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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