he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry about my life...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
