I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
