After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
