i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
