I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
