I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
