The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
