we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
