I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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