....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
