I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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