Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
