Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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