Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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