Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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