Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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