he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
