She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
