i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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