I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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