He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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