Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
