After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
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He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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