I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
