Your mouth is God's brothel.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
