if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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