Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
