My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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