every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
