At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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