I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
