pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
