Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
