I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
