He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
