sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
